The Anti-Jerk Magnet
<< Don’t be fooled by the fat that I’ve got, I’m still, I’m still that bitch from the block…
February sucks. No no, 2007 will still be great, but February sucks. First of all, it reminds me of someone I do not want to be reminded of (Refer to previous posts dedicated to JB). Second, it was on this month in 2003 where I was last in a relationship, if you can actually call that a relationship (Refer to post entitled "The Shoebox"). And thirdly, this month is when Valentine’s Day is set to come.
February sucks. Valentine’s Day sucks. You, whoever you are, you suck. Yes, I am peeved and just about ready to kick Cupid’s tiny little ass. But before I do, allow me to just explain why I am particularly angry during this time… It’s not only because I am alone during this gag-enducing overly romantic month, but also because of how the fates have placed it upon themselves to actually rub salt to the bleeding wound and continually throw incredibly icky-yucky jerks my way. As if to say, "Is being single your problem? Here, have a loser buffet!". The thing is, and I think everybody will agree with me when I say that no matter how desperately hungry you may be, I don’t think you’ll ever be hungry enough to eat shit. That’s just gross…
Anyhoos, I believe I’ve finally found out why all these dumbstick-thinkers are after me. I think it’s because they all have this fantasy that I’m all rainbows and lollipops topped with sugar & spice and everything nice. And so, I’ve decided to compile a list of all my nasty qualities, that I hope will finally get rid of all these mal-educadoed losers in time for a jerk-free Valentines Day.
1. 
I’m a mean elitist bitch. ‘Nough said.
2. 
I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). This gives me the license to have mood swings like there’s no tomorrow.
3. 
I’m a horrible kisser. Ok, fine, that’s a lie (Brass player, baby!)
4. 
I love to sing. No, I don’t care if you’re asleep and I don’t care if you have an ear infection. I will sing to you twenty-four-seven.
5. 
I am a wall builder and I am very fond of mirroring… Which actually just means that I have no real feelings except probably annoyance. I will flip the switch on and off when I feel like it with utter disregard for your feelings. Yeah, that’s how it is.
6. 
You want to get with me, you’ll have to get churched.
7. 
I’m not a virgin. You can say goodbye to that fantasy.
8. 
I’m not a freak either. You can say goodbye to that fantasy as well.
9. 
I weigh 700 pounds. You irk me and I’ll sit on you.
10. 
I have a blog and I know how to use it… Think of your most embarassing
moment. Now think of it being written down by a mean elitist bitch and then published on cyberspace for all the world to see. Not a pretty picture, is it?
Now all I have to do is get this list tattooed on my forehead and I’m all set! HAPPY VALENTINES, babies!
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